There has been a myriad of emotions going on in my mind and sometimes I fail to understand them. I feel there is a kid inside me which refuses to grow up and surfaces very often much to my dismay. I act so kiddish sometimes, sometimes plain stupid. And I fail to understand its true cravings and desires no matter how much I ponder.
The Kid is very innocent, wants to have as pure a mind as one can, and wants to be oblivious of all the bad things of the world. In short, it wants to be in a state of happiness and joy and pure bliss. These seem to be so beautiful. But then it also wants to have a perfect world of my own, where it has every thing that it needs. Most importantly, it wants to have a sense of security. It wants a place where nothing can go wrong, a place where nothing happens without my desire and wish. I don't want the world to be perfect. I just want “my world” to be perfect and secure in all ways. This is what the kid in me craves for. And I know that any such thing does not happen. Because if it were to happen I would not need anything else and hence stagnate which is against the laws of nature.
The dilemma is that despite knowing the truth (or what ever it is, may be the grown up perspective) the mind and the kid still keep on craving for it. Jumping around on the beach following a balloon, chasing the bubbles, getting excited when it rains, sometimes even dancing in it, these are just some of my methods of reassuring myself that I am a child, at heart. But it is not all well either. The problem with the childish mind is that it gets fascinated by every other thing which it finds interesting. And the fascination might not last for long. Mostly it does not. And I am left with chasing some things for some time, then losing interest and getting newer things to pursue. This been has a series and every time I look back, I feel stupider to have wasted my time in futility. Some of the fascinations have turned into passions for life, most have just fizzled away (have lost count of those).
But then the “The Question”. Do I want to grow up or not? Should I give up the chase for "my perfect world"? Should I try and get out of "my childish oblivion”? The innocent mind brings imagination and freshness of ideas. It brings real happiness and joy. But by following it I cannot really achieve much, or so it seems. I really want to be as happy as a child always is, but I also want to be so much more, achieve so much, and change the world in my own possible way.
And presently I seem devoid of any answers.