So it finally happens. Sometime as a kid, I had promised myself that I would never smoke. It was based mostly on the fact that my Dad gave up smoking so I don't pick it up from him. And as I grew, I gathered facts which made my resolve stronger. To name a few, nicotine is one of the most addictive substances known to man, is carcinogenic, is one of the prominent reasons for perennial bronchitis. If I consult my sister, she could come up with a thousand more.
But today somehow the resolve was broken. Why that happened is of a bigger concern to me than one ciggi.. I hated it anyways. It tastes awful, leaves a feeling of ashes in the mouth and the lungs hurt like hell. And as i write this, they still are hurting. Yet I don't know whether I will smoke another one or not.
Coming back to the main reason why I chose to succumb. I will clarify that it was a choice rather than “somehow falling into it”. I did it despite my friend, from whom I borrowed the ciggi, opposing it. There are three reasons why I did so. First – I want to experience and try almost every thing this world has to offer. So smoking is just a small part of the big, bad world. Second is kind of immature yet it exists. If men like Steve Jobs can do drugs and still change the world, I wanted to see if ciggi could do any wonders for me. But then the most important was, I wanted to see if ciggi helps me solve my problems.
I don't want to talk about my problems. Each one has his problems. Most people in this world will vouch that their problems are the toughest, not me though. My problem is that I know precisely what my troubles are and I also know that I am perfectly capable of solving them. But somehow I have not been able to do any of that. With this is associated the biggest fear of my life. I don't want my life to be a story of “could have beens”. What I mean by this is that I do not want to have regrets about my life down the years. I do not want to have a feeling that “I could have done that, I could have achieved this, I could have had the girl of my dreams if only I had tried hard enough, or would have been wise enough.” What I mean by all of this is tough to explain here. Someday I will write about this in detail.
This raises another question- am I being an escapist? Most probably yes. I have this hope of someone, something solving my problems and thinking that I will take it over from there. But its my life, my troubles and I will have to sort them out as well. If I have troubles, I will either solve them and come out stronger or succumb.
Anyways, if this news reaches my dad, he will pour out all his wisdom to persuade me to never do it again. I know he will be supportive, maybe even understand. Mom will be shattered. And my sister will refuse to talk to me. Yet I am going to put it in public domain. And I don't know why - most probably because none of that will stop me from having one more, or from becoming a smoker.
Right now, I am going for a jog, try to run and skip harder for days and make up for the lost lung cells.....