Maa...

There are times when you are low. When you feel everything in the world is conspiring just against you. No matter how hard you try, you end up losing. Not once but a series of times. There are times when you feel you have nowhere to return to, nowhere to find recluse in.

There are days when you can’t sleep at night no matter how hard you try. You try and cocoon yourself, become lonely and stay to yourself. It is then that sadness sets in.

You don’t want to be near friends because of the fear of being judged. They might not be out judging or commenting on you but you are so occupied with your failures and sadness you can’t see beyond that. You don’t want to talk to your siblings because they just adore you and you don’t want to change that; at least not me. Your father is someone who pushes you all your life - towards success, towards victory. He is not one who can understand your losses, fears and hurts.

That leaves you with just one person in the whole world. Your mother. She is the only person who will never judge you, neither will her love wither with your failures or increase with your success. All she cares for is your happiness, your smile and you. Just having her around tells you that all will be fine, that everything is okay. The one moment when you put your head in her lap, that one moment when she gently caresses your head with all the love in the world, that one moment is worth anything in this world. She may not be able to help you with your troubles; maybe she may not be able to even understand them. But mothers have an assuring way by which they comfort you.

Maybe it’s called Unconditional Love.

I am lucky enough to have a mother who not only has done all this but much more. Still I haven’t had the most pleasant relationship with her. At least not one in which I can talk my heart out to her. I know she can even understand my fears, stand by me when needed and much more. But still… I cannot talk to her. Not on the phone… Right now only I know how badly I miss her. Ahh…

Meaningfull Happiness...

Somewhere I heard this eye opening statement “You are truly happy only if you live in the present. But to have a meaningful life you need to wallow in the past and obsess about the future. The choice then is whether you want to have a meaning life or be happy.”

My choice was not a conscious one. I have never lived in the present, not for a single whole day. Doesn’t mean I have a very meaningful life. I don’t think so. I mean bringing smiles to other people’s faces doesn’t count as one. Not that I make an effort to do so. So…

Thinking of it in the perspective of the opening statement, “Do I have a choice to change myself NOW? If yes what would my decision be?” I don’t think I NOW have much of a choice regarding what and who I am and how I think. I guess these decisions are unconsciously taken in our childhood when we are not Philosophical enough to understand the impact of our choices. Still…

Coming to the real question: “If I could make the choice now, what would it be - Happy or meaningful?"

Ah… I have managed to inflict so much pain upon myself thinking about the future or brooding over the past that I crave for pure unadulterated happiness. Ironically still, if I were to make a decision now, I would still choose a life of meaning – the meaning I want to give to it.

Addicted to Love...

All those who have been acquainted with my writings will agree that I write impersonally, even about the most personal things. Not a good thing to do, at my age I guess. Or maybe it’s just a sign of a philosopher in the making. Whatever…

Well, I had always believed that I would be in love with Meg Ryan till the end of my days. Why so? I don’t know. Somehow she (or the characters that she portrayed) managed to kindle the romantic in me – in a subtly different manner with each of her movies. The way she looks and feels when hopelessly in love (Sleepless in Seattle, You’ve Got Mail or City of angels and many more...) brought to fore the hopeless romantic in me (pardon for the repetition of “less hope” or “romance” but I can’t find another word for it). The character she plays in City of Angles – Dr. Magi Rice happens to be my dream woman. That I am “hopelessly” in love with a doctor for god knows how many years is not just a coincidence I guess. Or was it the other way round?

I don’t think there ever was a guy who has not fallen in love with Meg Ryan. Her feminism, her smile, her laughter, her tears, her fears, just about everything makes you want to kiss her, hold her, be by her side all your life. Guess what; I have fallen in love with her even when she played a spying tomboy in Addicted to Love (that I chose this title is a tribute to her). She is the woman you fall in love with once and stay that way all your life. She is the woman you want to come home to every day. I guess that’s all I can write about love without getting sick.

Well that is not the end of the story, if ever there was one. All was going well with my romance with Meg Ryan (how imaginative, me in wonderland I suppose) till I watched a few movies of Meryl Streep. Inarguably the best actress of her time, still she never kindled in me any romantic fantasy. Neither did I swoon over her smile or laughter or anything. But she IS perfect; perfect in every sense that can be. She is the woman you can ADORE and ADMIRE. She is the woman who will be your strength, not weakness. She is the woman who you want as your best friend. She is the woman you want to grow old with. She is the woman you want to wake up every day with… Every Day…

Does this mean I am in love with two fantastic women at the same time? Am I allowed this?

Or is it three?