Kuch rishte... kho jaate hain kahin....

Kuch rishte thodi door chal murjha hi jaate hain... Unhe thame rehne ki koshish naakaam hi hoti hai, unme kabhi wo purani mehek nahi aa pati. Shayad har rishta ek "expiry date" ke sath aata hai, uske baad karwahat aa jaati hai usme. Pyar shayad bacha ho usme, lekin kaafi nahi hota. Rishon ka "postmortem" kar ke bhi kuch haasil nahi hoga..

Humen rishton ko apna raasta khud hi tai karne dena chahiye...
If your only choice is between insanity and happiness, what do you choose and how?
The problem with dreams is if you live with them for too long, they won't ever let go off you...

“Anything that does not kill you makes you stranger.”

“Anything that does not kill you makes you stranger.”

These words resonated in his head long after the movie was over. He knew exactly what the Joker meant.

He wished it had never happened to him. No matter what happened around, he felt nothing, as if in a permanent sedated state. He could not feel even himself, his own pain.

And then there were these bouts of rage, this urge to just kill anyone who came in front of him. Not just kill, mutilate his body till every ounce of life was gone. He had no idea what made him such a cold hearted devil. Life had lost its sanctity to him. He could not associate with people anymore. When he looked at them he saw bland, empty faces; all of them caught in this web of pain and pleasure they called life. To him they seemed sub-human; this struggle for bare existence, selling yourself to make a living is not human. Such life can only disintegrate the soul. There is no salvation for these people, no way out of this rut. To him, the only way out was the end of life itself.

And he knew he would not feel an ounce of guilt if he killed any of them. He knew if it came to it, he could just batter a man to death, and walk off unscathed, without any sense of remorse. It wasn’t for fear, that he didn’t do it. He had meticulously erased that instinct. It just did not seem worthwhile.

This should have never happened. Seems like previous life, but he had once been a caring, loving guy. Yes, he had never hurt anyone, but he knew he could. Sometimes his own thoughts sent a chill down his spine. His own cold heartedness scared him. He knew a part of his soul had died, or maybe the whole of it. But he didn’t feel it.

This should not have happened. Looking back he just wished he had never realized he was never truly loved…
I do have a blog; mostly dormant now, though. I don't know why I have not been able to put down a few words once in a while. I believe writing can be best assessed in terms of language and content. A great idea not conveyed well will hardly appeal to anyone. A well worded piece not conveying some meaning has little value. Evaluating any piece is a subjective choice, but I believe any good work ranks high on both.

Herein lays my problem. I cannot write unless I have something to say - my own thought, a better understanding of something, or just my views. Sometimes when I do get down to writing something, I feel language fails me or rightly put I fail language. Of the few that I do manage to finish, I get this lingering feeling that it’s not good enough, not yet complete. Seems I am stuck at in an unhappy, conflicted place, with no clue how to break free.
Risthon ki umr ka ehsaas un-me aayi daraaron se hota hai...

Mac vs Windows

Isn't that the most debated topic in the computing world, probably dating back to their first versions. I have a regular PC, totally formal, nothing even remotely cool about it's looks or any such thing. And a Mac has always been a thing of fancy. I've always been a geek when it comes to operating systems. When I got hold of my first comp, I tried as many OS's as I could. Windows was obviously there, but also tried so many flavours of linux – RedHat, Fedora, and even Gentoo. Those aware of the terms might understand what “even Gentoo” means. The whole operating system is compiled on your comp and it takes something between 2-3 days for the whole system to install.

Anyways, its all history now, stupidity of the past . But when Apple moved to intel processors, it was only time when people would make it possible for OSX to be installed on a PC. But I got to try it only a few days back. Spent roughly 5 days non stop trying to get a complete system running. It was loads of hard work, but now i have OSX up and running on my machine. Having used it for a few days, I don't know which one of Windows or OSX to make my primary OS. So here I am, posting a comparative analysis of the two OS's, and I'll try to be as objective as possible.

I am putting forward my biases both for and against for each OS. I have used Windows for around 5 years now, and I must say, I have tried most major applications and know my way around it. But then I have always perceived OSX to be ultra cool, probably because Steve Jobs says so. Having used windows and struggled with its frailties for so long, the idea of out-of-the box system which just works, seems great.

So, when I got my OSX system up and running, I couldn't hide my grin. The first look of the system seemed great. The dock etc... are arranged great, making the screen seem much bigger than on Windows. Tried iTunes, and the sound quality is much better than on Windows, I must say a 30 – 40 % improvement over Windows. By this, I mean the clarity and the crispness of MP3 songs on OSX is way better than on any music player on Windows. Then there are the advantages of a faster bootup, no need to worry about firewalls, anti-viruses etc. So far so good. Seemed as if the 5 days was turning out to be time well spent. I installed the elementary applications etc. and seemed all set to migrate to Mac.

But then the little glitches started coming to the fore. One of the most glaring problems is that iTunes and Quicktime players do not play most of the codecs like .ogg, .wma, or .flac. Major video codecs aren't supported. Only the primary ones and the ones designed by Apply are supported by default. And because of Apple's close control over their OS, there are only a couple of codec installers available. But the one I installed for .flac screwed up the normal playback of mp3 files and now one of the biggest allurements of OSX seems fading. Also, the library management of iTunes seems amateurish compared to J River Media Center on windows. And there are no alternatives to iTunes and Quicktime for OSX. It just makes you devoid of choice, and hence better, evolved products. It has been Apple's policy to closely control everything that is available for the Mac. Yes, it results in superb hardware software integration, the OS is really robust and stable. For the normal things that you need to do, it really makes the tasks seamless and easy. But, for an advanced user, it just seems very authoritarian, and just unacceptable. Another thing that really irritated me was OSX, though supports hibernate mode, you have to work through it on the konsole. There is no support in the user interface, making it impossible to use. The sleep is supported better than any other OS, but no hibernate makes it a bad machine. Hibernate allows me to save everything on my HDD, and start off just where I left, while saving battery. On a Mac, you can put it only to sleep, and when the battery runs out, it hibernates. Geniuses at Apple, how difficult is it to see that I could just want to wake up from hibernate after a day, and still have my battery running? This seems as if Apple wants to tell us how to use our comps. Sorry, but doesn't work for me. I want to use my comp, the way I want to, no compromises.

So, as of now, I am back to windows. Mac has few small glitches, which they can sort out in one simple update. They aren't doing it which just makes it a little difficult for many to migrate to a Mac. Solve these couple of issues, and take my word, there isn't a better system around. Hope Steve Jobs listens and makes my decision to migrate to a Mac much more easier.

Tum Bin...

Nazar ghuma ke dekha to har taraf 'couples' nazar aa rahe the. Door se dekho to kitne khush maloom ho rahe the saare. In sab mein lazmi tha ki tumhari yaad aayi. Ek kasak si hui tumhe paas paane ki. Ek tees si uthi seene mein ki hum to jab saath hote hain to saare jahan ki khushi bas humare beech hoti hai. Doston ke beech bhi rahoon to akela sa lagta hai. Kahan 'complete' hain hum ek doosre ke bina. In sab mein tum saath nahi hote to dil udaas sa ho uth-ta hai.

Jaane kab se isi aas mein baithe hain ki ab milenge to tab milenge. Khali sa lagta hai mann, veeran si zindagi. Lagta hai jaise khushi humse rooth kahin door jaa baithi hai. Ab shayad tum hi le ke aao use apne saath. Yaad aate hain wo hanste -khilkhilate lamhe jo hum-ne saath guzare the. Jab bewajah hi ek doosre ko chidhaya - gudgudaya tha. Jab ek-doosre ko dekh bin-wajah muskuraya tha. Inhi lamhom mein to shayad tumhe zindagi banaya tha.

Tum kehte ho intezar to karna padega. Kaise karen, ye bhi to bata do tum. Tum bin zindagi badi sooni hai re. Tum aao to rang bhare zindagi mein...

Zindagi, teri talaash abhi baaki hai..

Kabhi soochun to lagta hai zindagi abhi baaki hai. Kabhi lagta hai jaane kya kya gawanya hai maine. Peeche mud ke dekhoon to lagta hai har mod pe galtiyan ki hain maine. Aaine ko dekhoon to dil kehta hai zindagi gawa di tune. Jaane kya kar sakta tha, jaane kahan ho sakta tha... Kyon kiya khud ka ye haal? Peeche dekhoon to khud pe gussa aata hai. Aage dekhoon to dil ghabraata hai jaane kya hoga? Phir se wahi galtiyan to nahi doharunga? Kabhi aage chal mud ke dekhoon to pachtaunga to nahi?

Kabhi lagta hai khud se jyada to nahi 'expect' kar liya tha, kuch jyada hi sapne to nahi dekh liye the? Lagta tha sapne hi zindagi ki raah ka pehla kadam hote hain. Aaj lagta hai jaane kitne sapne peeche choot gaye, jaane kitne yun hi bhula diye. Jaane kitni raahen chod main aaj is mod pe khada hoon.

Phir kabhi lagta hai, zindagi to chalti rehti hai, kabhi tham-ti ruk-ti nahi. Wo to shayad hum hi nirash ho uth-te hain zindagi se. Andar ka bachcha kehta hai zindagi kabhi humse naaraz nahi ho sakti. Sapne kahin khoye nahi honge, wo to bas ek kone mein dubke intezar kar rahe honge humara. Zaroorat hai agar kuch to shayad khud ko pehchan-ne ki. Sapne to man dher saare dekhta hai, dekhta rahega. Chahiye humen ki un sapnon ko talaashein jo sach mein dil ke kareeb hon, jo dil ko khushi dete hon. Inhi sapnon ko anjaam dena shayad zindagi ho. Inhi raahon mein shayad zindagi kahin mil jayegi humen. Zindagi, teri talaash abhi baaki hai...

Of absoluteness of love..

Come think of it, our life has been reduced to so much petty competition. All that matters is better grades, better degrees, better jobs, better home, better car, and a hot spouse. Somehow along the lines of evolution and the so called 'survival of the fittest', we as humans have ingrained competitiveness amongst ourselves. We have learnt to measure our lives relative to those others around us. In its defense, it has worked more or less just fine till now.

But the sad part is that we have become so accustomed to measuring our lives against others that we derive pleasure only by satisfying our notion of being or having better. What we so effortlessly forget is that in true terms happiness isn't relative, neither is life. Yes, competition brings out the best amongst us but it should stop there - improving ourselves. True happiness can be found only by being at peace with oneself, in confluence with our instincts and emotions, being true to our natural self. And trust me, pleasure isn't even a distant relative of true happiness or joy.

What's more saddening is that we have allowed this to pervade even our most basic of emotions - love. The most common 'underlying' reason for break-ups is "I can get better." Is this how shallow we have become? Sometimes I feel like the "good old, all conquering" unconditional love is all but lost, left for a few to keep the concept alive. I for one, know just one love. For me there aren't different ways of loving. Love is just love - you can't lay limits or boundaries or conditions on it. Love need not just be the girl/boy in your life, it's also about what you love to do, what quenches your passions, what makes your heart skip a beat.

How then can you rationalize your love, loving only when there might be appropriate payback or loving the so called 'best you could get'? In doing so, isn't the beauty of love and life itself is lost somewhere? I know, I know, this will once again be one of my self righteous, purist, idealistic rants, but I know no other way. It's a small life we've got. I intend to live it to the extreme, living and loving each one and each moment the most I can, surrounded by things and people that I love. Completely...

The Unreasonable Man...

"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man."

G.B. Shaw

Free is all I had wanted to be…

I knew I had to leave you. I knew I had to go. I would not let myself love someone too deeply. I could not let someone love me too deeply. It would have tied me down. It would have made me weak. All I had ever wanted was to be free.

Freedom to me meant being what I was, just myself, absolved of all pretensions. It meant doing things just for me, for my happiness. For me, it was the ultimate state of being. I could not bear to be caught up in the web of emotional attachment. Pain and suffering are inevitable if there is attachment. And free I thought I became, when I walked away from you.

I found freedom. I did everything I wanted to do. But still something felt amiss. Something felt incomplete. Something was wrong. This wasn’t I had hoped it would be. Freedom was supposed to liberate me from the shackles of pain, loss, and every such emotion. I realized I was free but I was not happy. I remembered how you used to make my happy. How smile would never leave our face, how we would laugh our hearts out at silliest of things.

I knew I had gotten it all wrong. True happiness is the greatest form of freedom that there is. You live in the moment, just for the sake of your happiness. Nothing matters but the moment. There's you, there is this moment, and you are happy. You are free from everything else in the world; everything. There is no pretension. You are yourself, in your truest, most honest form. And I had it all – you, your love and unbound happiness. I had found freedom and I let it go. And now when I think, I can’t even be free from this sense of loss. I lost what I had set out to attain when I lost you.