Free is all I had wanted to be…

I knew I had to leave you. I knew I had to go. I would not let myself love someone too deeply. I could not let someone love me too deeply. It would have tied me down. It would have made me weak. All I had ever wanted was to be free.

Freedom to me meant being what I was, just myself, absolved of all pretensions. It meant doing things just for me, for my happiness. For me, it was the ultimate state of being. I could not bear to be caught up in the web of emotional attachment. Pain and suffering are inevitable if there is attachment. And free I thought I became, when I walked away from you.

I found freedom. I did everything I wanted to do. But still something felt amiss. Something felt incomplete. Something was wrong. This wasn’t I had hoped it would be. Freedom was supposed to liberate me from the shackles of pain, loss, and every such emotion. I realized I was free but I was not happy. I remembered how you used to make my happy. How smile would never leave our face, how we would laugh our hearts out at silliest of things.

I knew I had gotten it all wrong. True happiness is the greatest form of freedom that there is. You live in the moment, just for the sake of your happiness. Nothing matters but the moment. There's you, there is this moment, and you are happy. You are free from everything else in the world; everything. There is no pretension. You are yourself, in your truest, most honest form. And I had it all – you, your love and unbound happiness. I had found freedom and I let it go. And now when I think, I can’t even be free from this sense of loss. I lost what I had set out to attain when I lost you.

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